Win Some, Lose Some

One of the hardest things about the way my life has changed is the way people have reacted to me over the past year and a half. Apparently I can't do much right, 'cause people seem to be awfully mad at me...

My one "friend" who I supported through the worst, most unimaginable sorrow, decided I wasn't worthy of his friendship anymore. Apparently I was supposed to ignore all my divorce hearing dates and my one child leaving for basic training while the other was going off to college, just to pay him a visit 7 hours away? Oh well...

My other so-called friends from recent years couldn't have been more invisible than they were. And to think how happy I was to make new "friends". Whatever...

The worst though, are the ones who I have known for 30+ years. Don't get me wrong. There are several friends who I have that kind of "pick up where we left off" kind of relationship. Then there are those who never, ever called me to hear my side of the story. Content they must have been to hear his belligerent need to be right. blah blah...

Whatever. I am making a new path for myself. Meeting new people and, more importantly, having the respect of my daughters which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I am glad to have all those in my life who have stuck by me. You will know who you are always, because I will remind you how much you mean to me. In my own way.

Chugging Uphill

I appear to be at a very critical part of my therapy. I have learned so much about myself, especially this past five months. When I first started counseling, I was in a crisis situation and the counselor I was assigned at the women's shelter was amazing in how she listened and helped me to understand why things were as they were. It's quite a relief to learn that no one has any control over how another person reacts and thinks and behaves (much as some people like the idea of being a control freak). Oh, I knew that stuff before, deep inside me but to have it applied to so many situations that I thought could have been different if I only had said this or done that or looked a certain way or laughed instead of smiled....well, it was very eye opening.

Over the summer, that first counselor moved to another state and I was assigned a new one. At first I was dreading getting to know a new personality and thought I was going to have to re-hash my whole life story and yada yada. I was uncomfortable for the first couple sessions and I swear I think I was just babbling away for the hour, not making any cohesive, back-to-back sentences. And then it hit me. I don't have to talk about anyone but me now. I'm sure she was briefed on my sessions with the first counselor to a small extent but none of that really mattered. I could change my goals for therapy and figure out what is going on with me and wow, that was liberating to a person who has put everyone else's needs before mine for many, many years.

Then it happened. I walked in to her office a few weeks ago holding an item that triggered a lot of bad feelings in me (one of those converted cell phones set up for 911 that I was returning) and the flood gates opened and I just shook and cried and felt all those scared feelings as sure as if I had slammed in to a wall at full speed. Since then, I have been unable to stop all the feelings that I have stuffed down over a very long period of time. I know I can't stop them. It's painful and I know it is part of the process. A sort of grieving process that I must experience and feel so that I can come out whole and intact on the other side.

That very day, I said to my counselor that before our time began, before I sat in that lobby holding that damn phone in the Ziploc bag, before I was flooded with that trigger so powerful it shook me to my core, I was going to tell her that I felt so good I couldn't think of anything to talk about that day. She said to me that people say that all the time, usually at the end of an emotional hour. Apparently, just when one starts to feel really good, the brain says, ah yes, I've been waiting for you to get to this point! Now, let's deal with all this crap you haven't dealt with yet.

Great.

Well, it will be. Someday.

Where was I?

I'm having trouble remembering continuity on this blog. It's my own fault of course that I don't remember what I have and haven't written. This blog is as much a stranger to me as it is to you.

Don't ever assume that I re-read what I have written. I have a history of once it is published...oh well...

So, the divorce is final, I get my empty nest (although, to be fair, it's not as traumatic when I no longer live in the family home) in my little city row house. My kids are set into the next phase of their lives and, what do you know? I begin the next few weeks with this is the first time in my life I have ever...

*Lived alone in my own place

*Owned my own car in my own name with my own insurance

*Went to the grocery store with my Own List and my Own Recipes and bought whatever the fuck I wanted

I tried to think of more but really?? I turned 49 last month....that's enough.

Again, I can't remember what I have told you so far but my oldest daughter E joined the army after she graduated college. She is the kid who everyone says looks like me...when she was little and the kids picked their favorite people, she would have picked me...

We have had some problems, she and I , for the past year and maybe I will talk about them here someday but I would have to have her permission. Divorce for children is never an easy thing...that's all. It's sufficient to say we now are on a tangent...we get each other very well. There is no anger, no "issue".

Except...

She broke her hip in Basic Training and now she is living with me. We are down to our last week of convalescent home training and yeah.....

I admit it. I was just all ready to let my girls go and focus on me and then one of them came back. Thankfully I have an awesome counselor to help me with all of this. I won't and can't feel guilty when I say that I can't wait to finally put ME first again. As long as no one else needs me, I should be ready to get all on that pretty damn soon. I hope so 'cause it was getting pretty damn interesting.

I WILL Survive

Backing Up

One of my most favorite people in the world is my friend Amy. She and I have been friends for thirty years and I love her more than most people can love anybody. That's how I am with all my good friends. I would do anything for them. Amy and I went to college together and like a lot of schools, ours was heavy on giving each other nicknames. I had several over the four years and depending on who is talking to me all these years later, the nickname they use for me tells me a lot about our friendship back then in the early '80's.

Amy, however, was always Bonehead. She was and still is an exceptionally beautiful, bright and insightful woman who says things as she thinks them, sometimes not thinking them through all the way. I get that. I do that too. She has also had an unfulfilled marriage to a bully and while her divorce should have been final years ago (ignorant, greedy bastard is stringing it along), she has managed to find her niche in life with a strength I envy.

I have had a kindred spirit relationship with Amy (and Barb and Linda and Mike and many others). Usually she and I can make each other laugh and we have been through a lot together but Bonehead said the most profound and life altering thing to me a couple years ago.

I tell people that I live my life every day, knowing that there is someone out there, out to get me.

So...couples counseling:

The last time J and I went to couples counseling, I could say with certainty that it hadn't helped the previous two sessions. The volatility always happened well after the sessions were over and the beer buzz kicked the crazy eye in to full gear. (That's how everyone described his demeanor back then....Oh, J's got the crazy eye again tonight...)

We arrived at the office and the counselor (a man. Pretty sure J thought he had an advantage there), probably sensing the crazy, asked how we were since the last week. J proceeded to give a 20-30 minute diatribe about what a terrible wife I was and folded his arms over his chest at the end, self satisfied that he had given probably the best dissertation this counselor had ever heard.

Only,

The counselor paused a moment and looked at him and said, you have to believe your wife. You have to figure out a way to deal with this anger. And I want to see you alone every other week.

I knew at that moment that I would experience what it feels like to know that there is someone out there, out to get me.

Missing And Misfiring

Today is my younger daughter's 19th birthday. If I thought I missed her on my birthday, it was nothing compared to missing her today. But, I've talked to her and she received my presents right on time and she sounds good and happy and really, what more could any mother ask for?

I've also been on pins and needles since last Monday waiting to hear from my older daughter who was injured in the army's basic training and is supposed to come home for a 30-day convalescent leave. I thought for sure she would be home now and the lack of communication is starting to drive me crazy.

So, I did something that was a huge mistake last weekend. I went on a date for the first time since, oh, high school? Sure I had boyfriends in college but college kids don't go on dates. They go to parties and hang out with friends and well, I don't have to tell you. I was never much of a dater anyways. I never went out with a single boy from my high school; I had summer boyfriends from other schools and when school started, I broke up with them. I probably sensed the potential awkwardness of a high school romance gone wrong. My high school was very small.

Speaking of awkwardness...my date last weekend comes to mind. This was a guy who has mutual friends with a friend of mine. I met him once before over the previous weekend and during the week he asked me to go out to dinner. I should have listened to that inner voice I am so desperate to find again and admit to myself that no, I'm not ready. I've only been divorced for one month after all. But encouraged by one of my best friends M to give him a chance, I agreed to the date.

The date started out nicely enough. He took me to a very nice restaurant that I had never been to before and the conversation was pleasant enough but I knew right away he wasn't for me. He was a gentleman, don't get me wrong, but he came on a bit too strong for me. When I described it to M, he explained that the guy was trying to plan a way to get me on an overnight trip. Well, no wonder I felt the hairs on the back of my neck a few times that night.

So now I know, I'm not ready. I knew it before, but now I really know...ya know?

So Many Changes

I'm so sorry for being so sporadic in my writing. There are times when I'm just not in the mood and other times I just don't have the energy. Then there is today when I am sort of forcing myself to update because I know it is good for me, good to get it out and process it all. I can't guarantee that there won't be times I will just delete the whole thing after all, because to me the writing of something is more powerful than knowing someone is reading it.

Today is my 49th birthday. The last year of my 40s and as someone so eloquently pointed out on Facebook to me today, the first birthday of my new life. I went out to breakfast today with my good friend Rachel (one of the only local people who has stuck by me through all of this) and, even before that FB comment, I said to her how everything feels like the first to me: The first time I have ever lived on my own; The first time I have gone on a trip and didn't tell more than a couple people where I was going (and even then, I didn't have to tell them). You get the idea.

Today was the first time I have had a birthday and have had neither of my girls with me for it. Well, for the past 22 years anyways. E graduated from college in May and in August, I delivered her to the army recruiters and she was taken away to basic training in Missouri. Yeah, I know. I was shocked too, and still am in a way. I'm lucky to get an occasional phone call and one letter so far. Yesterday I missed her call (all previous calls had come on Sundays so I wasn't expecting it) and she told me she had an injury, was on crutches and here I sit, not able to do a damn thing about it. Not even can I make a phone call to her.

A graduated high school in 2010 (as I mentioned in the last post) and took a year off but moved away on 9/1. That girl was forced to grow up and witnessed so much crazy that I am brimming with tears of pride when I think of what a lovely young woman she has become. She is going to do so well.

I miss them both so much.

One of the things that I will write about is how hard it is sometimes to go out and do things by myself. I had a long discussion with my counselor about it yesterday. I've also written here about how I sometimes have to force myself to go out of the house every day at least once. But there are some days when I am absolutely paralyzed with fear? reluctance? trepidation? to walk out that door. Today is one of those days and I have no idea why.