So...where was I? I removed the last post I wrote because it was such a downer. Sure, I have downer moments but I don't want to give the impression that my life is in any way reflected in a negative way. Every day can be whatever I want it to be. That in itself can be a bit daunting, or at least it was when I started this whole process but I have mellowed and am now very comfortable with the new, day-to-dayness my life has become.
It's hard for me to believe that I have lived in my new rental house for over 20 months now. There is something so carefree in it. I take care of the basic needs the house has but when I have any problems, I call my most excellent landlord and dump the mess in his lap. I'm pretty sure I never wrote about how, when Hurricane Sandy swept through the area, my whole ceiling over my staircase caved in, after hours of me using every bucket and bowl to collect the water from the many leaks (and keeping my landlord up to date at the same time). Quick tip that I learned from necessity: if you are ever faced with a leak that requires several buckets at once, to avoid going ape-shit insane from the variety and randomness of the drip...Drip...DRIP...drip..dripdrip...(arggghhhhh!), tear up an old sheet or towel and put a piece in the bottom of the bucket to muffle the sound. It helped me to get a bit of sleep before the whole thing caved in. That was a fun night.
The next morning though, my landlord was here with a shop-vac and a roofer was on the way. So, that was cool.
My oldest daughter has been living with me since she has returned from the army, four years earlier than expected. She has had a rough time of it during this transition and we have had our ups and downs as roommates but she seems to be pulling herself up and out of it and has made a new plan, one that I think will be very good for her. She has found half a house to share and will be moving out mid-March. I'm happy for her and will miss her. But she'll only be about 10 blocks away so we will still be able to hang out a lot.
If you know me at all, you'll know that I have a thing for puzzles. Always have. Now I am beginning to understand the reasoning behind it all. I like for the pieces to all fall in to place. I like to restore order from chaos. I like to see the big picture and have it make some sense.
I finally feel like I am on my way there.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Officially Official
It's done. I went through the legal process of changing my name back to my maiden name. On Tuesday I got my new driver's license and changed my bank account. I'm a little overwhelmed by all the things that need changing still but I can honestly say I never wavered once I made this decision.
It's a little strange though. This feeling of in-between-ness. A lack of identity. Sure, this name was mine, the one I was born with but still, I haven't had it since 1985. I had it for less time than I had my married name. Learning a new signature was weird. My new-old name is harder to say than my married name. I see it written and it's familiar enough. My siblings and my parents all have it.
And yet, now at 50, I'm looking at my name on my new driver's license and the god-awful picture is not of me at 22, the last time I had that name on a driver's license. It's a 50-year old woman who checks the 'yes' box that her height and weight are still the same. I've been checking that box through several licenses so it must be true, right? In the larger scheme of things, 10 pounds isn't really that big of a deal.
Good thing I'll have this license until 2020. Is that a real date in time? I never knew Maryland had licenses that lasted 7+ years but I figure when I renew on my 58th birthday in 2020, I'm pretty sure I'll still weigh the same.
It's a little strange though. This feeling of in-between-ness. A lack of identity. Sure, this name was mine, the one I was born with but still, I haven't had it since 1985. I had it for less time than I had my married name. Learning a new signature was weird. My new-old name is harder to say than my married name. I see it written and it's familiar enough. My siblings and my parents all have it.
And yet, now at 50, I'm looking at my name on my new driver's license and the god-awful picture is not of me at 22, the last time I had that name on a driver's license. It's a 50-year old woman who checks the 'yes' box that her height and weight are still the same. I've been checking that box through several licenses so it must be true, right? In the larger scheme of things, 10 pounds isn't really that big of a deal.
Good thing I'll have this license until 2020. Is that a real date in time? I never knew Maryland had licenses that lasted 7+ years but I figure when I renew on my 58th birthday in 2020, I'm pretty sure I'll still weigh the same.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I'm Ready
My Dad called me earlier in the week. Normally most people would think that wasn't such a big deal, but when my Dad calls me, it is. He's usually the one who asks my Mom to call me and she relays back to him whatever is my answer. Every once in a while though, he calls me and I pay attention. His birthday is later this month and that may be why he suddenly is emotional and all mooshy.
He told me how he thinks about me every day and that, while his mind is sharp, his body is not-so-much and that he doesn't want to "go to the great beyond worrying about me. Even though I am 50 years old, he thinks of me as his little girl". We left it at "Dad, you can worry about me. I can't stop you. But please, don't fret about me. I'm much better now than I was this time last year."
He seemed OK with that.
My Dad is the sort who shows his love with gifts and financial help. While I was married, I can honestly say I never asked for any help at all from him but he always sort of knew when I was close to the edge of some sort of financial crisis. Probably my ex getting laid off again was a good clue. And my Dad never failed to offer help just when I needed it most.
He helped with the mortgage, the girls' tuition, a new van when the rear wheel drive one I was driving couldn't get up the driveway in winter. He offered art work he tired of to fill the walls when I moved in to a place that had lots of walls and higher ceilings than I'd ever had before.
When both girls were born, he gifted them money to start a college fund and added to it every birthday and Christmas. My oldest got to enjoy the benefits of 4 years of college at a state school and graduated with no debt. My youngest has a father who pillaged her college account to the tune of about $25,000-$30,000 in less than 6 months and now she struggles on a day-to-day basis trying to deal with the knowledge that a) her father ruined a future that she was guaranteed at birth and b), see a.
Back in August 2011, I had the option of changing my name as a part of the divorce and in my heart, I knew I wasn't ready to make that decision. I had had my married name longer than my maiden name and my kids had my same last name and I agonized and spoke to everyone I knew who had been through this and I ultimately decided I would keep the status quo and I could always go back and change it at some other time.
Fast forward to this past week when my lawyer forwarded to me correspondence that my ex had sent her...the most condescending load of crap I had the misfortune of reading and he closed his email with a derogatory comment about my parents, people who had helped us in our marriage and loved him as a son for 28 years and here he had the audacity to bad mouth them all while asking me for a "favor".
And it all became clear. The man who has stuck by me, loved me and even still to this day worries about me even though I am 50 years old has proven to me what the true character of a man is.
I'm changing my name back.
He told me how he thinks about me every day and that, while his mind is sharp, his body is not-so-much and that he doesn't want to "go to the great beyond worrying about me. Even though I am 50 years old, he thinks of me as his little girl". We left it at "Dad, you can worry about me. I can't stop you. But please, don't fret about me. I'm much better now than I was this time last year."
He seemed OK with that.
My Dad is the sort who shows his love with gifts and financial help. While I was married, I can honestly say I never asked for any help at all from him but he always sort of knew when I was close to the edge of some sort of financial crisis. Probably my ex getting laid off again was a good clue. And my Dad never failed to offer help just when I needed it most.
He helped with the mortgage, the girls' tuition, a new van when the rear wheel drive one I was driving couldn't get up the driveway in winter. He offered art work he tired of to fill the walls when I moved in to a place that had lots of walls and higher ceilings than I'd ever had before.
When both girls were born, he gifted them money to start a college fund and added to it every birthday and Christmas. My oldest got to enjoy the benefits of 4 years of college at a state school and graduated with no debt. My youngest has a father who pillaged her college account to the tune of about $25,000-$30,000 in less than 6 months and now she struggles on a day-to-day basis trying to deal with the knowledge that a) her father ruined a future that she was guaranteed at birth and b), see a.
Back in August 2011, I had the option of changing my name as a part of the divorce and in my heart, I knew I wasn't ready to make that decision. I had had my married name longer than my maiden name and my kids had my same last name and I agonized and spoke to everyone I knew who had been through this and I ultimately decided I would keep the status quo and I could always go back and change it at some other time.
Fast forward to this past week when my lawyer forwarded to me correspondence that my ex had sent her...the most condescending load of crap I had the misfortune of reading and he closed his email with a derogatory comment about my parents, people who had helped us in our marriage and loved him as a son for 28 years and here he had the audacity to bad mouth them all while asking me for a "favor".
And it all became clear. The man who has stuck by me, loved me and even still to this day worries about me even though I am 50 years old has proven to me what the true character of a man is.
I'm changing my name back.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The Water's Fine
I have spent quite a few years of my life trying to be a collector of this or that. Usually it starts with gusto and then comes to a fizzling hissssss...
Case in point (long time readers of the other blog may even remember this). My painted birdhouse collection.
Last I saw of them, they were in a picture on top of a soon to be aflame bonfire. Peach of a man I divorced, no? What did I expect from a man who gave away all my clothes though, really.
I have also tried to be a hobbyist of some sort. Gardening was a way of life that I suppose could be called a hobby. I have over the years attempted candle making, latch hooking, crossword puzzling (and really, all the puzzles are just what I do for sanity so I don't call them hobbies.)
A few weeks ago though, I made beer with my best friend Mike from the hops we grew on his brother's farm. Now really, what can be better than combining a hobby (growing) with a collection (er, empties on my counter?)? And so it went! And it was spectacular. We made 6 cases and will now home brew smaller batches with the knowledge that we gleaned from the experts at the local help-you-brew place.
And I am thinking I may want to try and make wine now. Anyways, a tiny spark has been lit.
Case in point (long time readers of the other blog may even remember this). My painted birdhouse collection.
Last I saw of them, they were in a picture on top of a soon to be aflame bonfire. Peach of a man I divorced, no? What did I expect from a man who gave away all my clothes though, really.
I have also tried to be a hobbyist of some sort. Gardening was a way of life that I suppose could be called a hobby. I have over the years attempted candle making, latch hooking, crossword puzzling (and really, all the puzzles are just what I do for sanity so I don't call them hobbies.)
A few weeks ago though, I made beer with my best friend Mike from the hops we grew on his brother's farm. Now really, what can be better than combining a hobby (growing) with a collection (er, empties on my counter?)? And so it went! And it was spectacular. We made 6 cases and will now home brew smaller batches with the knowledge that we gleaned from the experts at the local help-you-brew place.
And I am thinking I may want to try and make wine now. Anyways, a tiny spark has been lit.
Friday, September 7, 2012
So, How Are You?
I have a new post, all written and ready to go and for the first time in my life I am holding back on publishing it. I need to make sure all my facts are straight, lest I hurt one of the ones I love the most. I may just get enough satisfaction in the writing of it.
So I have this new job and have been busy there. No news on the relationship/love life but that's OK. I'm no where near ready for that. I need to one day assume not all men are assholes but I am no where near ready to admit that.
Next Thursday the 13th I turn 50. 50. Fifty. Fif-ty. 5-0.
Whoa.
I am definitely NOT my mother's 50.
I feel good. Based on the many comments that people love to give over the course of a day, I think I look good.
At least my hair isn't falling out from stress.
Speaking of hair...I lost my hair virginity last week. Did I tell you about this lovely conversation with my Mother? I think I may have.
I admit it and also I did not do it to cast bait to reel anyone in but I really do like it and the reaction from people has been varied from "you look so well rested after your trip to the lake" or "have you lost weight?" A couple streaks of blond hair is so fucking powerful!
So I have this new job and have been busy there. No news on the relationship/love life but that's OK. I'm no where near ready for that. I need to one day assume not all men are assholes but I am no where near ready to admit that.
Next Thursday the 13th I turn 50. 50. Fifty. Fif-ty. 5-0.
Whoa.
I am definitely NOT my mother's 50.
I feel good. Based on the many comments that people love to give over the course of a day, I think I look good.
At least my hair isn't falling out from stress.
Speaking of hair...I lost my hair virginity last week. Did I tell you about this lovely conversation with my Mother? I think I may have.
Her: Let me know when you get those highlights.As if I...need, er...help from my Moth...OK I DID IT!
Me: Mom, what highlights?
Her: I though you said you were getting highlights in your hair?
Me: No, I never said that!
Her: Well, you need to decorate the bait!
I admit it and also I did not do it to cast bait to reel anyone in but I really do like it and the reaction from people has been varied from "you look so well rested after your trip to the lake" or "have you lost weight?" A couple streaks of blond hair is so fucking powerful!
Monday, July 16, 2012
It's Been a While
In fact, it's been so long, Blogger went and changed their format so the dashboard looks very similar to Wordpress (once I remembered my sign-in, that is).
It has been an interesting couple of months. I got a new, 3rd job to go along with the two I already had. The two I already had were fitness jobs (that I have done for the past 16+ years) and I was so hoping I wouldn't have to quit those. I love my older folks and the group is so spectacular to work with. It took a while but I found a job that is completely unrelated to fitness but is just as physically demanding. I could not work behind a desk for 8 straight hours, even if you paid me :).
The new job is working in a flower shop that is attached to a high end boutique. It's in downtown Frederick so I can walk to that job as well. I work on the flower shop side and will be learning how to make bouquets on demand for customers as well as boutonnieres, bouquets and centerpieces for weddings etc...I have already done some things that were incorporated into various parties and weddings and as far as I know, no one has complained at their amateurishness. My boss is pretty demanding in that anything not up to par would be re-done anyways.
My oldest daughter has been living with me since her discharge from the army. She started a new job last month and is starting to look for an apartment. I've told her there is no rush and that she can take her time to find a nice, safe place to live. We spent the day yesterday in DC after looking at a promising apartment in NW, then found some nice dive bars amongst the ritzy hotels of Dupont Circle to chill in for lunch and cocktails. Fun times.
I'm continuing to meet some very interesting people and am slowly learning how to trust people (or at least whom not to trust). I've been burned once since my divorce and I am learning how not to make that same mistake. I've made it a priority to nurture the friendships I've made with women. It's interesting. Women in our forties are just not as bitchy to each other as women in our 20's. Well, I should say, I've learned to spot the bitches and steer clear of them. I feel strong and confident. More so than I have ever felt in my entire life.
It has been an interesting couple of months. I got a new, 3rd job to go along with the two I already had. The two I already had were fitness jobs (that I have done for the past 16+ years) and I was so hoping I wouldn't have to quit those. I love my older folks and the group is so spectacular to work with. It took a while but I found a job that is completely unrelated to fitness but is just as physically demanding. I could not work behind a desk for 8 straight hours, even if you paid me :).
The new job is working in a flower shop that is attached to a high end boutique. It's in downtown Frederick so I can walk to that job as well. I work on the flower shop side and will be learning how to make bouquets on demand for customers as well as boutonnieres, bouquets and centerpieces for weddings etc...I have already done some things that were incorporated into various parties and weddings and as far as I know, no one has complained at their amateurishness. My boss is pretty demanding in that anything not up to par would be re-done anyways.
My oldest daughter has been living with me since her discharge from the army. She started a new job last month and is starting to look for an apartment. I've told her there is no rush and that she can take her time to find a nice, safe place to live. We spent the day yesterday in DC after looking at a promising apartment in NW, then found some nice dive bars amongst the ritzy hotels of Dupont Circle to chill in for lunch and cocktails. Fun times.
I'm continuing to meet some very interesting people and am slowly learning how to trust people (or at least whom not to trust). I've been burned once since my divorce and I am learning how not to make that same mistake. I've made it a priority to nurture the friendships I've made with women. It's interesting. Women in our forties are just not as bitchy to each other as women in our 20's. Well, I should say, I've learned to spot the bitches and steer clear of them. I feel strong and confident. More so than I have ever felt in my entire life.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Heron Now
I've been obsessed with the Heron nest cam at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. For many weeks now, I haven't been able to get enough of those birds. I got to see the 4th egg laid and the 5th egg hatch. I've watched the videos of the owl attacks and my heart raced even though I knew everyone was OK well in advance of watching it.
It's pretty sweet, seeing how the Great Blue Heron couple works as a team, taking care of first the eggs and now the chicks. It's been unseasonably hot in NY this week and the way the parents stand over the chicks in the path of the sun, shielding them from the heat from the sun is just so sweet.
So, this time of year is weird. I want to plan and plant but I can't. So what did I do instead? I signed up for a Tough Mudder. (noisy site so be warned.) I know. Insanity. I've started training and changed the way I eat and am working with an acupuncturist and a chiropractor to alleviate the chronic issues from stress that have manifested as pain in my body. The Tough Mudder is 5 days before I turn 50. I think it's safe to say that this is going to be a life changing event. It's going to be 10X more Roar-worthy than other things I have done and I intend to take it very seriously. If nothing else, it's a fund raiser for the Wounded Warriors. Which? How can you find fault in that?
In other news:
I have daughter #1 back home. She is on the job hunt, or will be eventually after globe trotting all over the place getting re-acquainted with her old, non-army friends.
Daughter #2 just finished her first year of college and has a job at a restaurant on the Eastern Shore and loving her 3 kittens that her cat had. If she knew this site existed, I'd say "fix those cats, A!"
As for me, I'm even more aware how women need to be there for each other. I fucked up this week and let some people down. People that I care deeply about and all I can do is hope they forgive me. Thankfully I have made some good friendships with women and one in particular reassured me, after I told her the whole story tonight, that I didn't do anything so terrible that it can't be repaired. I thought so too, but time will tell. I hate feeling like this. I don't like feeling like I let people down. But until they talk to me, I won't know exactly how much damage I have done.
It's pretty sweet, seeing how the Great Blue Heron couple works as a team, taking care of first the eggs and now the chicks. It's been unseasonably hot in NY this week and the way the parents stand over the chicks in the path of the sun, shielding them from the heat from the sun is just so sweet.
So, this time of year is weird. I want to plan and plant but I can't. So what did I do instead? I signed up for a Tough Mudder. (noisy site so be warned.) I know. Insanity. I've started training and changed the way I eat and am working with an acupuncturist and a chiropractor to alleviate the chronic issues from stress that have manifested as pain in my body. The Tough Mudder is 5 days before I turn 50. I think it's safe to say that this is going to be a life changing event. It's going to be 10X more Roar-worthy than other things I have done and I intend to take it very seriously. If nothing else, it's a fund raiser for the Wounded Warriors. Which? How can you find fault in that?
In other news:
I have daughter #1 back home. She is on the job hunt, or will be eventually after globe trotting all over the place getting re-acquainted with her old, non-army friends.
Daughter #2 just finished her first year of college and has a job at a restaurant on the Eastern Shore and loving her 3 kittens that her cat had. If she knew this site existed, I'd say "fix those cats, A!"
As for me, I'm even more aware how women need to be there for each other. I fucked up this week and let some people down. People that I care deeply about and all I can do is hope they forgive me. Thankfully I have made some good friendships with women and one in particular reassured me, after I told her the whole story tonight, that I didn't do anything so terrible that it can't be repaired. I thought so too, but time will tell. I hate feeling like this. I don't like feeling like I let people down. But until they talk to me, I won't know exactly how much damage I have done.
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