Color Me Flabbergasted

I have to say, I have come to an interesting point of self-revelation.

My friend L got me this job at the flower shop.  It was a call out of the blue.  A random, oh yes!  I need a job...what? Sure I can come in today, I have no other plans...

And then a mad scramble to re-do my plans...

It took a while to settle in and I have to say, with my friend L working there and being so obviously unhappy, it was a stressful situation for sure.  But she and I had been friends for a while and I stuck it out because she put in a good word for me and I needed the job.

L ended up leaving for a job that better suited her and honestly, my life became easier.  My work situation lost a lot of the stress and after a tentative, albeit brief, trial-of-loyalty, I proved myself to be exactly what my boss needed.  She described me as the "glue that holds us all together".  Which was fine with me.  At the time.

I've been there almost two years now and wow, how things have changed.  I had a chance to talk with my boss about things and she told me she hired me, not just because of my friend L but because I have been at my other job for 17+ years and that I have gardened all my life and I had a hops yard at my friend's farm.

I told her I wanted the job originally because I have never had the opportunity to explore the creative side to myself.

Suddenly I find myself creating arrangements that are being quite well received.  I don't in any way consider myself a designer yet but I feel like someday I will legitimately be able to call myself one.  I have the faith and confidence of who I consider the best designer in the Mid-Atlantic, telling me that my creations are beautiful and she's putting her name behind everything that goes out the door.

It's hard work, the pay sucks and I couldn't be happier.

Time. It gets away.

I think I have officially bored myself with this blog.  I feel like...grrrrrr

I feel like screaming.  And maybe throwing stuff too.

This fucking laptop just deleted everything I wrote and I have no idea what I did.

<<<<Breathe>>>>>

And now I'm afraid to get back so I will not try and remember what I wrote and will forge on...

My 24-year old daughter and I took an awesome road trip last weekend to, believe it or not, Cleveland, OH.  She won tickets to a Browns game so we drove up and had a leisurely weekend strolling the streets of downtown Cleveland and staying in a hotel (rather than my parents' house).  We managed to sneak in and out in between storms so the timing was perfect.

The Browns, however, continue to break our hearts.

Oh, and today we got 7.5 inches of snow.  While I was out watching the weekly heart-break that is my favorite team, someone came along and shoveled my sidewalk and walkway to my front door.  I have no idea who to thank for that but it was probably not the two drunk guys who offered to shovel a path for me while I was walking home this evening.

Hey Hey, My My

Yeah, it's been a while.  Once again, I forgot to see where I left off before I started this so I apologize if I repeat myself.  Did I tell you I got hit by lightning?  Again?  So I have a lap top now.  And all of my old pictures and important legal documents are all on an external hard drive now.  Thankfully I have a kid who knows how to put them there.  Sadly, I have no idea how to access them if I need them.

Remember back when my ceiling caved in during Hurricane Sandy?  We are in the midst of some good hard rains now and when I got home from work, I soon recognized that sickening drip...........drip, drip.....drip..dripdrip and my heart sunk.  Because I have the best landlord and I hate giving him bad news.  Of course the alternative is to own this house and have to deal with this myself. I choose plan A.

You know, apart from having to learn a whole new keying system with this laptop (I hate it, quite frankly), I am pretty darn happy these days.  I think I may finally have figured out the secret to being alone and happy.  I think you actually have to be happy while alone.  Simple really.  But not so easy.

There is a sense of peace once that sweeps over you.  Once you realize, hey, I've got my shit together and I am in the driver's seat of my life. Both of my jobs are going great and I'm learning a whole new creative side to my personality and abilities I never knew I had. And everything feels right.  Because I think I may have found what my right-sized life is.  It's simple.  It's uncomplicated.  And I finally get to put myself first. (Plus I occasionally sneak out of town and no one has a clue where I am.  And that is pretty damn cool.)

I Apologize

I hate to sound so bitchy.  I really do.  There are some good things in my life and while I miss hanging out with certain friends of mine, I am very happy that they are happy.  I really mean that.

I miss so many people.

But my days are filled and for the most part things are going pretty well.  I love both my jobs.  I just signed a lease for my third year in this house.  That's important to me because at least my home base stays stable and constant.  I couldn't ask for a better landlord.

Speaking of my house, my cable got hit by lightning for the second time since I've lived here.  Last month, I heard the exact same pop and fizz that happened when I got hit soon after I moved in.  This time my old trusty desktop just couldn't take the punishment and refused to be resuscitated.  I'm now typing on a new laptop and quite frankly, I don't like it. But, it was what I could afford at a time when I really didn't need an added expenditure. This time, I told my landlord about it, since this house is the only one in the row of rowhouses that has been affected.  Hopefully he can figure it out.  Or he can perhaps hire a kid who can explain it to the both of us.

Still Waiting...

...although I am getting smart enough to realize that that good mojo is not happening any time soon.

Knowing that gives me some control over the situation.  I guess.

It's interesting, this world of ours. The things we notice from different perspectives are, well, different.  When I was part of a couple, I never realized how couple-centric everything was.  But hey, as a single woman, I notice it all...the 2-for-1 world we live in is so geared towards couples and dates and gahhhh...

I am increasingly becoming the third wheel in so many aspects of life.  From the lovely family beach photos on Facebook (which I am starting to resent...I mean really.  How many fucking pictures of your vacation at the beach am I supposed to look at and pretend that I am happy for you?  I sense a mass un-friending about to happen) to the ever insistent bargain deal at Applebees/Olive Garden/Friday's nastiness promoting shared apps and desserts.

I'm so tired of being surprised by all of this. I shouldn't be.  I've been single long enough to know all this.  But lately...lately it has been harder.  My single divorced girlfriend, who I had a ton-o-fun with has a new boyfriend and I never see her anymore.  Even my daughter who I love to hang out with a couple times a week has a new boyfriend.  At least he likes me and we get along great but I don't want to be that pity inclusion anymore.

The funny thing is...I don't want a boyfriend.  I want my fun girlfriends to hang out with again.

I might change my mind about that boyfriend thing.  Someday.  Once I find someone who can prove not all men are assholes.  I'm not that desperate to join the couples world.

I Need Some Good Mojo

They say bad things come in threes.  Or is it celebrity deaths only?  I think it's all bad things so I am sticking with that.  Can they also come in multiples of threes?  Or like, say, three days/weeks/months/years in a row?

I need some good news.  Some good happenings.

On Mother's Day, I was walking with my daughter in sandals and in an unfamiliar part of town and while I was talking, I tripped over an uneven sidewalk and landed on my wrists and knees.  One knee split open and is taking forever to heal.  The other just bruised nicely.  My hands are another story.  They hurt like a sum'bitch.  I haven't had a chance to rest them at all.

I work in the flower shop, you may recall, and the past three weekends have been crazy what with First Saturday (Mayfest) in Frederick in which every merchant in town gave away a free flower in a "build-a-bouquet" progressive shopping deal.  Guess who opened all those boxes and cut in the thousands of flowers for the pleasure of being harassed all day for a fucking free flower from a Flower Shop.  Dudes, all those free flowers you have in your hot little hands?  Yeah, those ones right there...I touched every damn one of them but this here is our livelihood.  Shit here ain't free.  Go away.

Oy.

Then there was Mother's Day and the beginning of wedding season the next weekend.  Plus, a funeral.

Then yesterday, after spending about 5 hours pulling weeds in the hops yard (by hand, lest we break any of the new growth) and just about crying from the pain in my hands, I got hit by a deer heading home= on a twisty county road in rural Pennsylvania.  And I know I had to have been squeezing the crap out of that steering wheel as I was sure that poor thing was being dragged under my car.  So yeah, more hands drama.

I finally got to the only service station in the area about 10 minutes after the accident.  I did inspect the car at the scene and to my surprise saw the doe running off in to the woods.  It didn't seem too bad until I got out again at the station and saw all sorts of things that had the potential to fly off the car on the highway home.  A very nice truck driver helped me bungee up the car and tomorrow I go for the estimate and probably a rental car.

Also, I did not win Powerball.

Wait, that is three.  Maybe I'm due for an upswing.

Gingerly, walking

I tell ya.  I've never, ever experienced a situation like the one I had tonight.

Dude, I don't even know.

So...I have this friend who is under massive stress.  And also, I've been there.

This person means the world to me but his flat out, bat shit attack on me has made me wonder...I mean...do I fucking have to deal with this again??  I am reeling with the events of the evening.

So, what does that say about me?

How much am I supposed to accept?  I think I  know the answer.  I just don't want to make the decision to end it.  I think I have to, but it is not what I want.