Saturday, March 30, 2013


I've discovered something pretty darn wild.

Back when I lived in the woods, early on, I spent so much time paying attention to the sounds of the wild.  I remember soon after I moved in there, I almost called 911 after hearing what I thought was a woman being assaulted deep in the woods.  Once I paid attention, I realized it wasn't human at all and it and was moving at such a fast rate along the creek that it had to be some sort of mating call/ritual.  I'm thinking bobcat/fox.  I never did figure it out exactly.

The funny thing is, I didn't realize how much I really did not hear actual human voices there until I moved back in to town.  When I lived in the woods, I heard birds in unison. In town, I hear them one by one.  (Which helps me when I lie in bed on weekend mornings, identifying them by their unique voices.)  Same goes for squirrels.  I'm not quite at the point of naming the critters but when I do, they will have names like "Yappy", "Squeaky" and "Get off my porch ".

I told you about the bat in my house right?  I can't remember...but in 11 years in the woods, I never had a bat in the house.  In the city?  Yup.  That was a wild night.

So, back to voices.  I think the hardest part about moving back in to the city was getting used to the voices of people.  Just the ordinary conversations.  People walking by, talking.  The mrrmmmrrrmmmrr through the walls of the row houses.  The laughter, the screaming, the day-to-day unrelenting chatter.  And I thought I was going to lose my mind, just a little bit.

When Emily was living with me, she named the neighbors (Smoking Guy, Lady with 7 kids from 4 different fathers, Naked guy with open curtains, Grandma on the porch all day...) and I was fascinated by her insight because I was trying to tune them all out.  They were all Noisy Neighbors and I heard them all in unison.  Now I am learning to hear them one by one.

But something else...I've also learned to not hear them.  Today, my neighbor was out screaming his head off at another neighbor and I think it had been going on for about 5 minutes before the message got to my brain that there was a commotion and maybe I should pay attention.  It was sort of entertaining in a way.

A week ago I texted my daughter that she moved out and is missing all the excitement up here on the North end of town.  Firetrucks, ambulances, police cars, and she said "go out and see what is going on" and I was all "eh, I'm taking a shower but I hear some guy out there screaming about how much it hurts"  and she was all "Go investigate!" and I said, "nah, I'm naked and getting in the shower"  and then she said "perfect, you can cause another accident!"

She has my sense of humor...

(As it turns out, some 20 year old woman got in a fight with her baby daddy and when he got out of the car, she sped up, jumped the curb and hit him with her car then sped off.)

I didn't think I could get used to all the human voices when I first moved in here.  Turns out I can...and then some.

(His injuries don't appear to be life-threatening.)

Friday, March 22, 2013


The other night, my daughter and I went to a bar that I never go's been open for about a year and I think I have been there about 3 times.  Ever since she has moved out, she's been trying to decide what her new local bar will be.  (Seriously, she moved about 10 blocks south of here.  Pretty much all of downtown Frederick is your local bar but I'll play along.)   We hadn't been there for a minute and a half but, while I was talking to a friend of mine, I realized the bartender was, sort of, talking to me only he was calling me "Barbette".  Which, of course I don't answer to Barbette.  But I wanted a beer so I'm inclined to notice when the bartender is nearby and as soon as I turned my head to give him my order, I could see the disappointment that I was not, in fact, Barbette.  And then he told me how I was not Barbette (as if I may not know that) and then decided to get on with his job of gettin' me that beer.

About 45 minutes later, I'm walking back from the bathroom and a woman at the bar yells at me, "Hey Barbette!  Hi!"  And then when I look right at her she says (you guessed it) "Oh, you're not Barbette, but wow!  You look so much like her!"  And all I can think is damn, what sort of mom names a kid Barbette? And also?  Now, I have to see this woman who two separate people mistook me for in one hour long period in a bar in Downtown Frederick Maryland.

I have to now wonder about an incident that happened the previous weekend (the same day Red Beard thought I was pregnant).  I went to the flower shop where I work.  It was a Sunday and my friend Lisa was working the boutique side (the flower shop is not open on Sundays) and I knew she would be bored.  Plus I needed her to tell me I did not, in fact look pregnant.  Anyways, she had a spurt of customer activity so I hung out in case she needed me or needed to use the bathroom or what have you and this one woman came in and sort of started a conversation with me only it was kind of like a fishing expedition.  She finally said, "I know I know you from somewhere..." and then rattled off all the improbable ways she could know me.  Me: No, I am not in a band, No, I don't go to Hagerstown to watch bands.  No, I'm pretty sure that I was not involved in that...

And then she said, "I know we will see each other again someday".

That crazy Barbette.  I hope she is some smokin' hot 30 year-old babe that people keep calling "Liz".  But wouldn't that mess up her day if we ever meet and she finds out Liz is a 50 year-old mother of two?  Yeah, not likely, but this is my blog so I get to make up that ending.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

So, here we go

Today, in the span of about 2 minutes I went from way up here to way down there.  That's a bit of an exaggeration and so you are warned.  It was a beautiful day today and I guilt-ed myself in to getting up and at 'em because all I did yesterday was lie around bra-less in sweat pants, watching sappy movies on the Hallmark Channel.  Prior to yesterday, I didn't know the Hallmark Channel existed.  But I was in that sort of mood.  Actually, I did go for an appointment at 9AM and then got a pedicure so it wasn't all a lost cause and okay, yeah...I was hungover and so the Hallmark Channel was the result of the remote being wayyy over there and I'd already taken my bra off and the blanket...the COUCH blanket was somehow positioned just so and, well, I'm sure you get the idea.

So, today.  I got up, all fresh from all the rest I got and realized I could not waste another day, another nice early March spring tease of a day, bra-less in my sweat pants on the couch.  I even decided to shave a few things.

I got out my old skinny jeans, a black t-shirt with sparkles on it (I am not a sparkles-type girl..this was a donated item), a black sweater and some super cool boots I own (read:comfortable, but also cute) and set out to do a few things but not a whole lot of anything.  I got about three blocks in and a dude did the 'ole, look good...

I did what any normal 50-year old would do which is to first check...are you talking to me??  Then the hahaha, of course you were, I do look good. And hey, thanks!  Swagger, swagger.

You know none of that happened, right?  Except the hey, you look good and the thanks.

A block and a half later, I saw one of Frederick's homeless, Red Beard and asked him about his health and made sure his cane was near-by and as I turned to continue on down the street he shouted at me "hey!  Your're pregnant??!!"

I am throwing away the black sweater.