Heron Now

I've been obsessed with the Heron nest cam at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology.  For many weeks now, I haven't been able to get enough of those birds.  I got to see the 4th egg laid and the 5th egg hatch.  I've watched the videos of the owl attacks and my heart raced even though I knew everyone was OK well in advance of watching it.

It's pretty sweet, seeing how the Great Blue Heron couple works as a team, taking care of first the eggs and now the chicks.  It's been unseasonably hot in NY this week and the way the parents stand over the chicks in the path of the sun, shielding them from the heat from the sun is just so sweet.

So, this time of year is weird.  I want to plan and plant but I can't.  So what did I do instead?  I signed up for a Tough Mudder. (noisy site so be warned.)  I know.  Insanity.  I've started training and changed the way I eat and am working with an acupuncturist and a chiropractor to alleviate the chronic issues from stress that have manifested as pain in my body.  The Tough Mudder is 5 days before I turn 50.  I think it's safe to say that this is going to be a life changing event.  It's going to be 10X more Roar-worthy than other things I have done and I intend to take it very seriously.  If nothing else, it's a fund raiser for the Wounded Warriors.  Which? How can you find fault in that?

In other news:

I have daughter #1 back home.  She is on the job hunt, or will be eventually after globe trotting all over the place getting re-acquainted with her old, non-army friends.

Daughter #2 just finished her first year of college and has a job at a restaurant on the Eastern Shore and loving her 3 kittens that her cat had.  If she knew this site existed, I'd say "fix those cats, A!"

As for me, I'm even more aware how women need to be there for each other.  I fucked up this week and let some people down. People that I care deeply about and all I can do is hope they forgive me.  Thankfully I have made some good friendships with women and one in particular reassured me, after I told her the whole story tonight, that I didn't do anything so terrible that it can't be repaired.  I thought so too, but time will tell.  I hate feeling like this.  I don't like feeling like I let people down.  But until they talk to me, I won't know exactly how much damage I have done.

Hermit

Every first Saturday of each month, my town has a themed street festival. Most shops stay open later than usual and restaurants are packed full of locals and tourists alike. Since I moved downtown, I haven't attended a single one of them.

I didn't really understand why. I mean, all I have to do is walk a couple blocks and I am there. I do that walk all the time but for some reason, the idea of walking down there during any "event" just paralyzes me.

It's not the walk itself of course. It's the idea of wandering through large groups of friends and families stretched the width of the sidewalk. Of negotiating past lovers holding hands and laughing together, young parents pushing strollers and keeping toddlers entertained.

This morning, I realized I haven't left my house since Friday afternoon. I've just hung out, reading my library books and cooking meals for one. I'm getting much better at being alone but sometimes, the loneliness can be crushing. Still, I'd rather be lonely and alone than lonely living with someone who ignores me. There is always that.

It's Hard to Focus On Just Me...

...when I used to blog about 3 other people, 2 dogs, 2 goats and occasional cats.

Not to mention my garden. This is the first time in 30+ years I haven't had a garden to plan, plot, nurture, tend to. Then plant, weed, pluck and basically figure a way to keep the damn goats out of there.

I'm not asking for a garden at someone else's place. I'm not saying I necessarily need one. Maybe I do. Not here where I live though. I worry that my old asparagus patch has done nothing but been sent to fern. I wish I could have donated my finally fruitful blueberry bushes to someone who would have appreciated them.

Don't even get me started on how much I miss composting. I've done the city plot composting before and needless to say, I'm pretty sure my new-ish neighbors don't want me attracting rats.

I want to know how my crocus did, how my daffodils spread, how my Nanking Cherry bushes have fared during this unseasonably early spring. If the deer are eating everything, if the bird feeder is getting filled.

I want to know that everything I did in my life before has meaning...

Shift

So, I almost forgot this blog existed. I think I have vented and purged as much as I can here and so now we shift gears a bit. I am done dwelling on the past. The past is done, over, and I am ready to move on.

A good friend asked me recently if I wouldn't be happier to have a boyfriend. Someone who is local, and ready to become part of my life. The answer is, um, NO! It's not to say that if someone came along who was nice and interesting that I wouldn't consider going out with him. Guaranteed though, the first time he asked me why I didn't answer his text right away I'd lose it and tell him to get lost, controlling bastard.

I have met a ton of new people, none of whom ever knew me as a wife, mother, sister or daughter to anyone and that has been awesome. Right now, I feel like the most good I can do for myself is to nurture the female friends that I have made. Believe me, I thought I had some good local ones before, but nothing says seriously? you've lost your touch on the judge of character thing when they all disappeared as soon as I needed them most.

I have made some great new women friends over the past 8 months and while I miss my old friends (the college ones that I don't get to see that often), it helps me to get through most days knowing I have this new, local support system. Let's face it, women can be the best medicine for each other. Just stay away from the bitches! :)

Sweet Emotion

One of the hardest things for me to have learned about myself through all this intense counseling is that I am an all-or-nothing, do-or-die, black-and-white perfectionist procrastinator.

That's a helluva-lot to digest.

Especially once one realizes it is indeed all true.

(I just looked out the window, swung side to side in my chair [that I put together, ROAR!] and took a deep breath, heavy sigh combo)

The theme this week was: emotions. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting the A-Ha! moment that I wanted from all the goddammed crying I was doing last week. And while my counselor today was explaining to me about how my dominant logical self wants resolution to every! damn! thing! that comes up...my super-suppressed Emotional side is clamoring for someone, anyone to recognize she exists.

So blubber away, emotional side. I see ya, and I'll raise ya. Because now I know the secret. I can let you and your emotions into the pool, but I know now where the ladder is so that I can climb out. I'll meet you at the Balance Beam...

In The Mean Time

I am able to handle quite a bit. I've lived through a nightmare of false accusations and punishments for someone else's imagination. I can suffer with the best of 'em and still come out the other side relatively whole. I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be and I have managed to survive an exhaustively gut-wrenching series of counseling sessions that would fell most people.

And yet.

I am naive. I am innocent. I like to think I am a good judge of character. I am (apparently) not. I trust people when they tell me things. I believe them when they say they are going to do whatever it is they say they are going to do. I look for the positive and want to help my friends if they need an ear, a shoulder, a hug. Respite from the chaos of their own lives. I assume they would do the same for me.

And yet.

I am hurt. I have feelings. I am capable of feeling sad, hurt, angry. Confused. I never expect the same level of interest in my life that I show to others' problems, issues, concerns. But I have problems that I wish someone would want to help unburden me from. It's not easy for me to bring someone in to my life. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable.

And yet.

I have never felt so vulnerable, so confused, so hurt and so foolish as I do tonight.

Alternatives

One of the consequences of living in a constant state of fight-or-flight preparedness is that for the time being, it's perfectly acceptable for one's body to survive on cortisol and adrenalin and maybe insulin as well. I'm no doctor (or crazy scientist) and have probably only scratched the surface of that subject doing my research. But it's a fact that the body is flooded with hormones that keep us prepared to react to whatever happens in our lives. That's what it is supposed to do for survival.

These reactions are only supposed to be a short term solution to a temporary situation and eventually we are supposed to right ourselves out. When that doesn't happen, eventually the body experiences consequences that can lead to chronic problems. That is what I think happened to me. When I had pneumonia in October of 2010, it was a wake up call to me that I had let myself become run down and I knew that my defenses couldn't defend me. It was only a scratch in the surface of my wall of defense. Little did I know that pneumonia would be the easy part.

Fast forward to now. I am in constant pain. Every joint in my body is achy but I don't have any redness or inflammation. I diagnosed myself with having chronic pain issues due to an overabundance of stress. I have to diagnose myself because I don't have health insurance anymore. I paid it as long as I could (about a year) after my dead-beat ex stopped paying it soon after his own daughter was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I just couldn't keep up the huge payments.

So I am doing what works for me. So far at least. A combination of chiropractic care and acupuncture treatments for the past three weeks seems to finally be working. That, along with my continued counseling. Today I feel pretty good for the first time in over six months. I truly believe that once my body feels better, all the other pieces will fall into place; better sleep and a more positive attitude will go a long way towards improving my general health and well-being. Cheers to that!