Friday, September 30, 2011

I WILL Survive

Backing Up

One of my most favorite people in the world is my friend Amy. She and I have been friends for thirty years and I love her more than most people can love anybody. That's how I am with all my good friends. I would do anything for them. Amy and I went to college together and like a lot of schools, ours was heavy on giving each other nicknames. I had several over the four years and depending on who is talking to me all these years later, the nickname they use for me tells me a lot about our friendship back then in the early '80's.

Amy, however, was always Bonehead. She was and still is an exceptionally beautiful, bright and insightful woman who says things as she thinks them, sometimes not thinking them through all the way. I get that. I do that too. She has also had an unfulfilled marriage to a bully and while her divorce should have been final years ago (ignorant, greedy bastard is stringing it along), she has managed to find her niche in life with a strength I envy.

I have had a kindred spirit relationship with Amy (and Barb and Linda and Mike and many others). Usually she and I can make each other laugh and we have been through a lot together but Bonehead said the most profound and life altering thing to me a couple years ago.

I tell people that I live my life every day, knowing that there is someone out there, out to get me.

So...couples counseling:

The last time J and I went to couples counseling, I could say with certainty that it hadn't helped the previous two sessions. The volatility always happened well after the sessions were over and the beer buzz kicked the crazy eye in to full gear. (That's how everyone described his demeanor back then....Oh, J's got the crazy eye again tonight...)

We arrived at the office and the counselor (a man. Pretty sure J thought he had an advantage there), probably sensing the crazy, asked how we were since the last week. J proceeded to give a 20-30 minute diatribe about what a terrible wife I was and folded his arms over his chest at the end, self satisfied that he had given probably the best dissertation this counselor had ever heard.


The counselor paused a moment and looked at him and said, you have to believe your wife. You have to figure out a way to deal with this anger. And I want to see you alone every other week.

I knew at that moment that I would experience what it feels like to know that there is someone out there, out to get me.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Missing And Misfiring

Today is my younger daughter's 19th birthday. If I thought I missed her on my birthday, it was nothing compared to missing her today. But, I've talked to her and she received my presents right on time and she sounds good and happy and really, what more could any mother ask for?

I've also been on pins and needles since last Monday waiting to hear from my older daughter who was injured in the army's basic training and is supposed to come home for a 30-day convalescent leave. I thought for sure she would be home now and the lack of communication is starting to drive me crazy.

So, I did something that was a huge mistake last weekend. I went on a date for the first time since, oh, high school? Sure I had boyfriends in college but college kids don't go on dates. They go to parties and hang out with friends and well, I don't have to tell you. I was never much of a dater anyways. I never went out with a single boy from my high school; I had summer boyfriends from other schools and when school started, I broke up with them. I probably sensed the potential awkwardness of a high school romance gone wrong. My high school was very small.

Speaking of date last weekend comes to mind. This was a guy who has mutual friends with a friend of mine. I met him once before over the previous weekend and during the week he asked me to go out to dinner. I should have listened to that inner voice I am so desperate to find again and admit to myself that no, I'm not ready. I've only been divorced for one month after all. But encouraged by one of my best friends M to give him a chance, I agreed to the date.

The date started out nicely enough. He took me to a very nice restaurant that I had never been to before and the conversation was pleasant enough but I knew right away he wasn't for me. He was a gentleman, don't get me wrong, but he came on a bit too strong for me. When I described it to M, he explained that the guy was trying to plan a way to get me on an overnight trip. Well, no wonder I felt the hairs on the back of my neck a few times that night.

So now I know, I'm not ready. I knew it before, but now I really know...ya know?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

So Many Changes

I'm so sorry for being so sporadic in my writing. There are times when I'm just not in the mood and other times I just don't have the energy. Then there is today when I am sort of forcing myself to update because I know it is good for me, good to get it out and process it all. I can't guarantee that there won't be times I will just delete the whole thing after all, because to me the writing of something is more powerful than knowing someone is reading it.

Today is my 49th birthday. The last year of my 40s and as someone so eloquently pointed out on Facebook to me today, the first birthday of my new life. I went out to breakfast today with my good friend Rachel (one of the only local people who has stuck by me through all of this) and, even before that FB comment, I said to her how everything feels like the first to me: The first time I have ever lived on my own; The first time I have gone on a trip and didn't tell more than a couple people where I was going (and even then, I didn't have to tell them). You get the idea.

Today was the first time I have had a birthday and have had neither of my girls with me for it. Well, for the past 22 years anyways. E graduated from college in May and in August, I delivered her to the army recruiters and she was taken away to basic training in Missouri. Yeah, I know. I was shocked too, and still am in a way. I'm lucky to get an occasional phone call and one letter so far. Yesterday I missed her call (all previous calls had come on Sundays so I wasn't expecting it) and she told me she had an injury, was on crutches and here I sit, not able to do a damn thing about it. Not even can I make a phone call to her.

A graduated high school in 2010 (as I mentioned in the last post) and took a year off but moved away on 9/1. That girl was forced to grow up and witnessed so much crazy that I am brimming with tears of pride when I think of what a lovely young woman she has become. She is going to do so well.

I miss them both so much.

One of the things that I will write about is how hard it is sometimes to go out and do things by myself. I had a long discussion with my counselor about it yesterday. I've also written here about how I sometimes have to force myself to go out of the house every day at least once. But there are some days when I am absolutely paralyzed with fear? reluctance? trepidation? to walk out that door. Today is one of those days and I have no idea why.