Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Sleepless in Frederick

One of the things that I've come to realize since starting this new blog is that I can't do those little teases like "next time I will write about this" yet. My moods are so up and down and a lot depends on how much I sleep. Which lately, hasn't been much at all. To say that I have a lot on my mind is an understatement. Luckily for me, I have been in counseling for over a year now and I am recognizing that I am in survival mode. Self-preservation mode. Sadly, in the middle of the night, it's not so easy to be so self-protective and the brain says, here, let me fuck with you just a wee little bit...

When I left the courtroom the last time, I had three weeks to find a place to live, move what I needed into storage and then I got out of town for two weeks. I had to be out of the old place on or before 6/2 and this new place wasn't ready until 6/15. I took my younger daughter down to Atlanta to visit my brother and his family in that mean time. During those three weeks, I worked my ass off and was able to do it with minimal tears and then was too exhausted at the end of each day to allow myself any thinking. Until the middle of the night of course when I realized what was really happening. I was being put out of the house because I couldn't stop him from moving back in after my protective order expired. I had absolutely no choice. Since then, I've realized what a relief it is to not have to take care of that big house anymore but at the time, I felt like I was being punished. I only felt that way during the night of course. During the day, I was robot.

It's been over a month since I have moved in here and for the most part it is good. Lately though, I have felt like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and the pressure of the past couple months is all up there just pressing down on me. I feel like the adrenalin that kept me going, to do what I had no choice but to do, has slowly dripped away and left me weak and vulnerable. I want to pout and stomp my feet and scream why do I have to do everything....gawd!!! I want to be able to pat myself on the back and tell myself that I did a great job to get to this point. That the odds were stacked against me and yet I did it! ROAR!! Look around self, enjoy and bask in the knowledge that indeed, you can accomplish something that seems to be so un-doable.

I can't do it though because every where I turn, I realize that I have only just begun and I can't allow myself such frivolous luxuries as a pat on the back. The past year went so fast and time only goes faster, doesn't it? And while I toss and turn in the middle of the night wishing my brain would just do its worst and be done with it already, I realize I still need to function in survival mode for just a little while longer.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Things Happen Along The Way

I had so much momentum after that last post. I was ready to go crazy and tell all and then...lightning strikes. I don't recommend having a conversation at work that goes something like this:

Me: I have had satellite internet for the past 10 years and so I know to shut everything down when a storm is coming. I have been hit by lightning and have had to replace so much equipment. Do you have to do that with cable?

Everyone in the room that day when I said that: I've never shut anything down for a storm...

And so later that day, what should happen but that I was sitting here, at this very computer when out of the blue, a sound like someone was standing next to me with a shotgun aimed at me again I am hit by lightning. Thankfully my new TV was under the ole "no questions asked within 30 days" policy and my former Geek Squad daughter knew what to do to fix this computer (replaced Ethernet port FYI) and things could have been so, so much worse.

I told my mother about this and she asked me if I ever feel like I am walking around with a black cloud over my head. Up 'til then? Not so much. Now that she mentions it? Yeah, pretty much all the time.

So, is this officially Rock Bottom? I declare Yes, YES it is! And so up hill we shall climb. But not before I get you updated on how I got here. I promise (pending bizarre acts of nature) I will get back to that on my next post.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

To The Nitty Gritty

I started my menstrual cycle at about 10 years old. I remember being very ashamed to tell my older friends that I started before them and so it was My Secret that I shared with My Mom. I don't really think it is an actual scientific fact that starting early means you get to end early but I wasn't too surprised to find myself in peri-menopause in my early 40's. I had done my time. Peri-menopause is all that it's cracked up to be and it serves no purpose to discuss that here. I will say that my last menstrual period was in January of 2010, a fact that sets in motion how I got where I am today.

My menopause coincided with my empty nest syndrome; two distinctly transitional periods in a woman's life if she is a mother. Menopause in and of itself is pretty pivotal so everything else is just piling on. I have always worked part-time but my family came first. My kids were never latch key kids. I was never late to pick them up from wherever they were. I always stayed awake at night until they came home. I cooked meals and packed lunches and grew food in the garden. Then suddenly, it was all gone. No one needed me anymore, or so it felt. I have since read how absolutely normal I was to feel that way. I also began to feel a sense of restlessness inside me. A sense of "is this all there is to my life?" and "what am I going to do with my time now?" and "when do I get to try and figure out what I want to do?" and so on and so on...

I wasn't fulfilled in my marriage. Somewhere along the way my husband and I grew apart and I either didn't notice or didn't care. We seemed to everyone who observed us to be a happily married couple and yet, who would want to observe the reality of a lonely woman, sitting at a bar next to man obsessed with his Blackberry, doing his own thing that had nothing to do with me?

I had no choice but to make my own friends and find fulfillment on my own. In my mind, I was an invisible entity. I was treated as an insignificant peon who was good for nothing but eye candy to boost someone else's self significance. Once I realized that, I was free to make my own choices and follow my own instincts as to who I could trust to be a part of my life.

Next: Couple's Counseling.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Most days I feel pretty confident in my ability to move on with my life as an almost single woman. Then there are days like today, hot and muggy and the lethargy is high. I have been trying to walk everyday (I even wrote a post about it over there, the first post I have written in about a year and it felt good to write it), mostly in the mornings before it gets too hot. Even if I only go for a half an hour, it's a goal of mine to do it. It's easy to do because I live so close to everything in downtown Frederick now. I can walk to work and to the store if I don't have too much to carry in my back pack. This morning I was lazy and waited too long before it was too unbearably hot to walk anywhere but I forced myself to get up and shower and get out of the house by walking a few blocks to try my new neighborhood's nail salon. I didn't really need a pedicure just yet but I could sense that it would otherwise be a day which could easily find me as a shut-in. It's lonelier in the city.

The last time I was single, I was twenty years old. In two months I will be 49. People look at me and tell me how lucky I am that I am still young as I start over. Then why do I feel so old? Why do I feel like being single is for people who are way younger than me? The decisions that I have had to make to get me to this (almost) single state are ones that I can't change and wouldn't want to anyways. There is a point, a line that gets crossed that can't be uncrossed and so that can not happen. Still, nothing has prepared me for this state of singleness.

Tonight, I forced myself to take that longer walk and I set off for downtown, knowing full well that most places close early on Sunday but I took my wallet just in case I got the urge to be one of those single ladies sitting at the bar. Gah, but that is uncomfortable even to read! I ended up just doing a 35-minute loop and heading back home.

Baby steps...

Monday, July 4, 2011


After many years writing a family blog, I find myself living alone, starting the next great phase of my life. The last year has been a whirlwind of change and I think my head has finally stopped spinning to the point where I am ready to start writing again. I have often been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I was too honest when writing that other blog. I believe that is true but I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily. What is the point of writing a journal if you aren't honest? So, this is a place where I will explain what has happened in my life up until now and then how I will go forth as a newly single woman at forty-eight years old.

But not today. Today I will celebrate the 4th of July, my first as truly Independent.