Today is my 49th birthday. The last year of my 40s and as someone so eloquently pointed out on Facebook to me today, the first birthday of my new life. I went out to breakfast today with my good friend Rachel (one of the only local people who has stuck by me through all of this) and, even before that FB comment, I said to her how everything feels like the first to me: The first time I have ever lived on my own; The first time I have gone on a trip and didn't tell more than a couple people where I was going (and even then, I didn't have to tell them). You get the idea.
Today was the first time I have had a birthday and have had neither of my girls with me for it. Well, for the past 22 years anyways. E graduated from college in May and in August, I delivered her to the army recruiters and she was taken away to basic training in Missouri. Yeah, I know. I was shocked too, and still am in a way. I'm lucky to get an occasional phone call and one letter so far. Yesterday I missed her call (all previous calls had come on Sundays so I wasn't expecting it) and she told me she had an injury, was on crutches and here I sit, not able to do a damn thing about it. Not even can I make a phone call to her.
A graduated high school in 2010 (as I mentioned in the last post) and took a year off but moved away on 9/1. That girl was forced to grow up and witnessed so much crazy that I am brimming with tears of pride when I think of what a lovely young woman she has become. She is going to do so well.
I miss them both so much.
One of the things that I will write about is how hard it is sometimes to go out and do things by myself. I had a long discussion with my counselor about it yesterday. I've also written here about how I sometimes have to force myself to go out of the house every day at least once. But there are some days when I am absolutely paralyzed with fear? reluctance? trepidation? to walk out that door. Today is one of those days and I have no idea why.