Monday, January 30, 2012

Sweet Emotion

One of the hardest things for me to have learned about myself through all this intense counseling is that I am an all-or-nothing, do-or-die, black-and-white perfectionist procrastinator.

That's a helluva-lot to digest.

Especially once one realizes it is indeed all true.

(I just looked out the window, swung side to side in my chair [that I put together, ROAR!] and took a deep breath, heavy sigh combo)

The theme this week was: emotions. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting the A-Ha! moment that I wanted from all the goddammed crying I was doing last week. And while my counselor today was explaining to me about how my dominant logical self wants resolution to every! damn! thing! that comes super-suppressed Emotional side is clamoring for someone, anyone to recognize she exists.

So blubber away, emotional side. I see ya, and I'll raise ya. Because now I know the secret. I can let you and your emotions into the pool, but I know now where the ladder is so that I can climb out. I'll meet you at the Balance Beam...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

In The Mean Time

I am able to handle quite a bit. I've lived through a nightmare of false accusations and punishments for someone else's imagination. I can suffer with the best of 'em and still come out the other side relatively whole. I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be and I have managed to survive an exhaustively gut-wrenching series of counseling sessions that would fell most people.

And yet.

I am naive. I am innocent. I like to think I am a good judge of character. I am (apparently) not. I trust people when they tell me things. I believe them when they say they are going to do whatever it is they say they are going to do. I look for the positive and want to help my friends if they need an ear, a shoulder, a hug. Respite from the chaos of their own lives. I assume they would do the same for me.

And yet.

I am hurt. I have feelings. I am capable of feeling sad, hurt, angry. Confused. I never expect the same level of interest in my life that I show to others' problems, issues, concerns. But I have problems that I wish someone would want to help unburden me from. It's not easy for me to bring someone in to my life. It's not easy for me to feel vulnerable.

And yet.

I have never felt so vulnerable, so confused, so hurt and so foolish as I do tonight.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


One of the consequences of living in a constant state of fight-or-flight preparedness is that for the time being, it's perfectly acceptable for one's body to survive on cortisol and adrenalin and maybe insulin as well. I'm no doctor (or crazy scientist) and have probably only scratched the surface of that subject doing my research. But it's a fact that the body is flooded with hormones that keep us prepared to react to whatever happens in our lives. That's what it is supposed to do for survival.

These reactions are only supposed to be a short term solution to a temporary situation and eventually we are supposed to right ourselves out. When that doesn't happen, eventually the body experiences consequences that can lead to chronic problems. That is what I think happened to me. When I had pneumonia in October of 2010, it was a wake up call to me that I had let myself become run down and I knew that my defenses couldn't defend me. It was only a scratch in the surface of my wall of defense. Little did I know that pneumonia would be the easy part.

Fast forward to now. I am in constant pain. Every joint in my body is achy but I don't have any redness or inflammation. I diagnosed myself with having chronic pain issues due to an overabundance of stress. I have to diagnose myself because I don't have health insurance anymore. I paid it as long as I could (about a year) after my dead-beat ex stopped paying it soon after his own daughter was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I just couldn't keep up the huge payments.

So I am doing what works for me. So far at least. A combination of chiropractic care and acupuncture treatments for the past three weeks seems to finally be working. That, along with my continued counseling. Today I feel pretty good for the first time in over six months. I truly believe that once my body feels better, all the other pieces will fall into place; better sleep and a more positive attitude will go a long way towards improving my general health and well-being. Cheers to that!