When I left the courtroom the last time, I had three weeks to find a place to live, move what I needed into storage and then I got out of town for two weeks. I had to be out of the old place on or before 6/2 and this new place wasn't ready until 6/15. I took my younger daughter down to Atlanta to visit my brother and his family in that mean time. During those three weeks, I worked my ass off and was able to do it with minimal tears and then was too exhausted at the end of each day to allow myself any thinking. Until the middle of the night of course when I realized what was really happening. I was being put out of the house because I couldn't stop him from moving back in after my protective order expired. I had absolutely no choice. Since then, I've realized what a relief it is to not have to take care of that big house anymore but at the time, I felt like I was being punished. I only felt that way during the night of course. During the day, I was robot.
It's been over a month since I have moved in here and for the most part it is good. Lately though, I have felt like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and the pressure of the past couple months is all up there just pressing down on me. I feel like the adrenalin that kept me going, to do what I had no choice but to do, has slowly dripped away and left me weak and vulnerable. I want to pout and stomp my feet and scream why do I have to do everything....gawd!!! I want to be able to pat myself on the back and tell myself that I did a great job to get to this point. That the odds were stacked against me and yet I did it! ROAR!! Look around self, enjoy and bask in the knowledge that indeed, you can accomplish something that seems to be so un-doable.
I can't do it though because every where I turn, I realize that I have only just begun and I can't allow myself such frivolous luxuries as a pat on the back. The past year went so fast and time only goes faster, doesn't it? And while I toss and turn in the middle of the night wishing my brain would just do its worst and be done with it already, I realize I still need to function in survival mode for just a little while longer.